I hope you are well and enjoying the longer days and the idea of spring that is undeniably in the air.
I had a few rocky weeks and it let me to the realisation that fear is a most awful advisor for decisions or choices you make. I mean it is no secret, we all heard that before right?
But knowing and experiencing are not the same and I can tell you now from experience, which leads to a new level of knowing and probably a real understanding of the matter.
I had a bit health trouble the last weeks which needed to be resolved with a surgery, not a very big deal but still scary. For some reason this freaked me out a bit, not so much because of the idea of pain but more because of the fear of not to being independent and the need to rely on others.
When the decision was made that I need a surgery it left me directly with a dull feeling of fear. The hospital stay is pretty short, like one night which is a good thing and a bad thing; as you need to go home and be by yourself afterwards. I live alone and my family is not close by. I am as well single so that the usual sources to fall back on were not available.
I felt helpless and it took me a lot of effort to reach out to others, not because I was afraid they might decline but just because I am so used to being in charge, being independent and taking care of myself that it was a very new and uncomfortable thing to do for me. I was seriously thinking a few days about it how I can get myself home from hospital without involving other people….I did not came up with a practical solution.
Funny and most annoying side effects appeared during the waiting time of a few weeks till the surgery took place.
While I am usually content in my single being I kind of panicked and tried to get a quick fix if you want to call it like this. I was just looking for someone to take over, someone to take care of me and the situation. While I am not a stranger to the feeling of being tired of being a strong single women it hit me here really hard.
This led to unhealthy dating choices and a particular scary night with too much alcohol and a creepy stranger who indeed took over control but in an extend that was beyond what I was willing to give or that I was comfortable with. However after a retropective reflection of this night I can say that the feeling of being taken care of was most likely triggering this night and well he took care of me, just not in a very good way. Not to worry dear reader I am fine, no harm was done beside the slightly wondering feeling how I ended up kissing this person. It was just something that bugged me as I couldn’t understand what happened here. This guy just kept pushing boundaries around like they were play toys, and I let him. Not because I am a say no but mean yes girl but because I was accepting that he takes care as I just didn’t want to. Which is a particularly bad decision as a single girl! It was like I was stubbornly refusing to be in charge of myself, I refused to make a point of my views/wishes and just went along where he led if this was what I really wanted or not. Do you want a drink? NO thank you, ahhh come on here you go. As I just told you I was already feeling sick but still I drank it just to avoid a discussion, just to avoid being in charge.
On the bright side this night, which was scary in itself as I kind of lost myself there, had a learning effect which is for sure valuable. I didn’t wanted to feel afraid, I didn’t wanted to confront the scary feeling of being alone. Even so like I said my friends were very helpful and offered a lot of help, so I was not really alone.
But fear messes with your mind and your soul, it is a liar and makes you believe the worst. It makes you as well believe that some poor choices might fix the problem, even so if you would think rational about it you would possibly laugh out loud. However the tricky thing is that fear makes you believe that you need to feel ashamed because of the feeling of fear, and here it gets really nasty. So fear tricks us in the believe that we are weak because we feel fear which leads to us not wanting to feel afraid or not even admitting that we are scared. So instead of navigating your boat into safe waters it leads you in the middle of the storm into the dark places where you should not go when you are vulnerable.
So instead of me possibly just accepting the feeling of being afraid and live with the uncomfortableness for a while I tried to get a quick fix. As you see this didn’t work, not only wasn’t it the right motivation for dating nor was it the right mindset for it. I was kind of aware that I am afraid but I just wanted it to go away.
So what is the moral of the story, you might ask, well she is a girl who kissed the wrong boy for the wrong reasons, so what?
You are right, there is no big deal but I think it just made me aware of a lot of things that influence our decisions and behaviour. And I believe that fear is one of the strongest of this influences, and one of the most dangerous ones.
I mean while this is a possibly more or less harmless example think for a second about it how fear influences your life?
Do you wonder what others think of you? Are you afraid they don’t like you, they don’t accept you? Do you think you should go on the date even so you are not that into him because you are afraid to stay single forever?
I don’t say you should be fearless, as this would be avoiding your feelings which is never healthy. But I hope that I personally will reflect in the future more about how I feel and try to let it sit with me as an temporary discomfort instead of trying to find something to fix the problem. I mean if it would be a ‘good’ option ok, I would give it a try but like here to hope a stranger in the bar would take away the problem just because I wanted someone to take care of me was a poor decision. Not only was it a dangerous one but it was as well an unfair one towards me and the guy, in all fairness I was trying to use him as a solution, not really nice from me.
So take this as a plea to identify fear for what it is ;a lying little bastard who wants to lead you into the dark. Wouldn’t it be super-empowering to see the little bugger and just stand your ground with grace and dignity instead of running from him or trying to fight him?
With this picture in mind I leave you to:
“think a happy thought”