Peace within, Storm around…

Dear Reader,

I hope you are all well and not already in a panic because of V-Day coming upon us.

Today I would like to tell you about my crazy week I had. I wish it would be a funny story with crazy twists but actually most of the action happened in my mind. It might be the long term influence that travelling alone have on me.

So the last week I was at home sick and I can tell you I felt really poorly, surprisingly though I didn’t felt that sting of self pity that there is no one to care for me. I think I realised that no one else would be able to care better for me than – well me actually πŸ™‚ so I kept it simple without guilt or regret, I treated myself to a visit in the book store and loved the books I got myself.

Ok while this was kind of easy and even so not funny it didn’t shook my confidence or self esteem. However the week held more challenges for me. More painful was the comment of the good looking doctor, who was the replacement of my GP, who told me that this condition isn’t uncommon in women around 40 with overweight….well that hurt. More the age comment than the overweight remark, not sure if doctors think people would have no mirrors or scales at home however thanks for making me aware.

As you might know me by now you can guess that at least one of the challenges is out of the romantic department. I can actually put in two for this week – new record πŸ™‚

I was led down by someone I was actually willing to give a chance, however I recognised that I am not the first choice and stepped away. I handled the situation more adult as I am used to. Was I disappointed? Yes I was. Was I hurt? Yes I was. Did I thought this is unfair, absolutely.

A few days later I texted with someone I met in autumn last year, I knew that this is no relationship-material, however I was hoping for a little distraction and maybe a small ego-boost. He was at first very responsive and even tried to call (no big deal I know but he lives abroad). Not sure though what is going on in men’s heads, the next day he informed me that he shouldn’t do this as he is seeing someone….ok well here we go.

However weird this was, as how likely is it that you got twice in one week the same rejection. I recognised something changed, and this was the remarkable thing. I felt that I am not clinging anymore to the pain or the fact that I was rejected. I let it go, it felt way more in a flow than I am used to.

While you are now rolling your eyes and possibly think yeah another let it go preacher, I hear you! For years I was annoyed about people who told me what is meant to stay will stay.

Somehow the 4 weeks alone abroad shifted something, there was no one I could compare myself to, as I just met people briefly and wasn’t really bothered if they were prettier, in a relationship, more successful or more enlightened. I was indeed focused on myself and I have to say I was happy with myself, I looked in the mirror and thought yes girl you look good. I thought about what I was doing there and thought yes, this is a thing I would find attractive about another person so I gave myself a little credit too.

So coming back after this trip and falling back in my usual ‘troubled’ life I was actually not that impressed as I was in the past. I thought for a while maybe I got numb but that’s not it. It was that deep feeling that this was not meant for me and that I am ok with it.

I went to events alone on the weekend without anxiety, I wanted to do this for quiet some time and finally made it to a poetry slam event. I loved it! It is strangely liberating to not depend on other peoples approval. I start to wonder now if this could be dangerous and I might drift in a happy bubble all alone away from society where people are held in line by social ‘acceptable’ behaviour expectations no one knows why we have or still follow.

So over all, it was a strange week, where I feel I should be more depressed than I feel.

Balancing out the week I would say I grew or maybe something that was planted a long time ago is finally blooming. Fitting for spring right? πŸ™‚

As an old buddhist saying goes ‘no mud – no lotus’…

“Think a happy thought!”

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