It has been a while and and there are several reasons for this.
As for a lot of people the end of the year is about reflection of achievements and an inventory of the life situation in general. Well as usual I don’t like to follow the custom and I have been early in this mindset.
So the winds of change set in with the change of the season and I hope they will blow strong and mighty through my life.
I can feel things shifting and moving around, externally and visible for others as well as internally about the way I see things and the ways I define myself and the path that is lying ahead.
While I am a strong believer in the theory that major changes need to come from within it can certainly not harm to create opportunities in your life; where change is easier and growth is possible.
I don’t really believe in the law of attraction, however the universe provided me with the opportunity to change jobs; in an setting that is definitely more suitable for my out of work interests and plans. I wasn’t looking and it came as a surprise, however I decided if this chance provides itself I will not let it pass.
A job change can barley be considered as a wind of change, maybe as a mild draft. I know but it will give opportunities to spend more time with topics I am passionate about, it will bring me in new circles of people and exposes me certainly to new challenges.
You might yawn at this stage about this mediocre interesting change in a modern fast pacing world. But for me this is only one step of change.
As it often is, change leads to change or maybe it just opens a door in your mind to reconsider things.
So another unsuccessful romance later I was thinking about my dating behaviour and was wondering if I am possibly missing the obvious. If you repeat over and over the same thing and expect a different outcome it is considered crazy. Well thinking about this I certainly have a deep understanding of crazy. Years of repetitive behaviour, with what a surprise the same outcome.
I thought for a few weeks about it and actually discovered that below this pattern are other problems buried that are the soil for the dating issue.
So my where to start, first I am really tiered as fuck of other people expectations about my life. It is neither their life nor their happiness that is at risk.
Do I like to be single, well sometimes I do! Do I think it is worth to settle for someone that doesn’t burn for the same way of living as I do – certainly not! Will I stay single if I won’t be able to find a warrior that is fighting for me and the way of free living I value and most certainly want to continue….most likely.
Do I have high standards – sure! Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone trapped in fear of not finding someone better, trapped in a life that is not meant for me and will most likely feel too small. So I said it, yes I don’t want some guy, I want the right guy!
I deleted all my dating accounts, I am tired of being treated like meat which just have to look pretty and appealing. Of people who ask me online after sex, how sad are you? Of being judged by a few pictures, of going out with guys who tell me I can not speak about politics as it is no topic for a date. What the fuck?
I am tired of trying to dim myself, of hiding my education and qualification out of fear of intimidating somebody. The right guy wouldn’t be intimidated he would walk beside me with pride. He would love to discuss politics with me, he would be happy to have an intelligent women by his side.
I am tired to hide that I walked for a long time through the dark, if you can not understand what it means to search for the spark of light and you are frightened by it then be gone. The right man would be a man proud of a women who fought her battles alone without a knight in shining armour. The right guy would join me on the trip to a better self, he would support me and would let me fight my battles at the same time. As it is supposed to be, how could someone else make me grow? This is not going to happen, but I believe in someone who listens to your battle stories and hugs you and tell you he is proud of you.
If you say I am crazy to believe in this, if you say girl come down to earth. Then I say fuck off! I am deserving this! I will not accept anything less. I am not anymore waste time with time wasters who are emotionally unavailable, ignorant and not able to work on themselves.
If this person is not out there, well then it is like this. Then I will be this person, I will support my way of free living, I will take myself out and listen (not like a crazy person talking to myself), listen to my feelings and thoughts and I will value them.
I am not anymore willing to pretend to be less to fit in, to make people feel comfortable. World it is time to hear me roar! I am tired of playing myself down, this is going to end!
Dear reader, please don’t misunderstand me for an arrogant person, I do not want to show off or want to put myself above someone else. I just want to be who I am, I want to live the way I want to live. I am not thinking other ways wrong or less important but they are simply not made for me. As I accept that every person is different and what makes me happy might be your biggest nightmare I just wish for the same acceptance towards me.
Am I considered not aware of the consequences of my decisions? Am I told I would be too young to make this kind of decisions? Am I repeatedly informed that this all would change with the right man? Do people think it is sad that I travel alone? Do they treat me like damaged goods which are not going to be sold?
Damn yes! Do I think this is patronising? Fuck yes! What does the decision to not want to have children to do with a man? Am I not able as women in my mid 30s to say this is not for me? I certainly believe so! Do I ever question women who want to have kids, or tell them they would change their mind with the “right man”? I can not recall so. Do I ask why you need to travel all the time with someone? Why you are not able to do thing alone?
So by all means if you think a life of reading, travel, conversation, culture, art and finding peace and freedom within is empty and loveless, do believe so – but keep it for yourself as I couldn’t be bothered less about your opinion about my way of living. You are not forced to live my life, and I am willing to play as good as possible with the cards that were given to me.
Well that said I hope the winds of change will blow strong and mighty through my life and my soul, I am ready!
“Think a happy thought!”